Muddy Slutty Rebel Race Fraud

This is an incredibly worthless beef, but all internet beefs are equally useless and that hasn’t stopped the world from hating on Lena Dunham, George Lucas, or Thomas Edison, so whatever… The person who runs Rebel Race’s Facebook promotional site and side-screen advertisements is annoying, horny, and weird.

Rebel Race, for any that don’t know, is an obstacle course/ mud race much like Tough Mudder or Warrior Dash. While running either a 5,000 or 15,000 meter trail you occasionally have to jump, crawl, or climb different obstacles. Also at one point you may be instructed to stop and do push-ups and sit-ups, you know, rather than keep progressing forward (Sorry, but I’m into real races, not trying to be the best at exercising).

I did one this summer and it was all right. Some of the obstacles were lame, and the mud from the local horse farm smelled very fresh, but climbing stuff was fun and I enjoyed sharing some beers with my sister and brother-in-law at the end.

For some reason, my experience is almost nothing like what Rebel Race’s web promoter wishes to convey. Instead of a slightly messy obstacle course, this odd, lonely person wishes for you to assume you are signing up for a sexy, muddy orgy… one where 11 year olds can participate.

Facebook ads are tailored every user, so you may not have seen them, but Rebel Race advertisements are constantly on my front page, so it’s impossible for me not to notice them. This fall they had one featuring a muddy woman that may or may not have been wearing a top, so I did a Google image search and I was able to confirm this was a bare chested mud wrestling lady. This most certainly was not from a Rebel Race event, because they have a very strict no nudity rule and it frustrates me to no end (I have a really awesome body paint idea).

Don’t worry about the NSFW-ness of this image. I got it from a Chinese newsite and they are never allowed to share porn, Might be why they get less traffic than Buzzfeed…

 

Since then, there have been many more perverted, confusing, clearly not Rebel Race photos used to promote Rebel Race. Here are the four weirdest not Rebel Race photos used on Facebook by Rebel Race. They are listed from kind of awkward to Charlie Sheen’s darkest pleasure.

Two Chinese Girls

This image is the impetus for me to start researching for this article. It wasn’t so much that the girls are attractive, or Asian, or wearing very little clothing. There are plenty of people that are attractive, are Asian, and/or are wearing little clothing that participate in Rebel Race. What set me off was how fine a mud they are covered in. When I ran my 5k, the mud was either very horsey or very gritty.

The Google image search of this image led me to a Xinhuanet.com photo gallery of a mud bath center in Tianjin, China. Not only is our economy losing to China’s, so is our mud.

 

 

 

Emily Carey

Emily Carey is a high level competitor in bikini contests, which means those t-shirts weren’t lying about the profession of bikini inspector.

 

Like I said, Rebel Race gets a lot of attractive girls to come and attend in very little clothing, and you can see proof of this on their Facebook page. I didn’t read everything in the waiver, but I know Rebel Race said it couldn’t be held responsible for my death, so I don’t think they’d be crossing any lines by asking permission to photograph your Rebel Race adventure and then use such photos for promotion.

Emily Carey looks very nice, but she does a very pleasant, extensive job of documenting her athletic and aesthetic endeavors on Facebook and she gives no indication of having anything to do with Rebel Race. The weirdo running Rebel Race on Facebook could just as easily have taken a real Rebel Race competitor’s photo to lure male runners in with sex appeal. Just odd…

 

 

 

Actual Mud Fetish Girl

Something that I suspected very quickly was that the Facebook promoter had a mud fetish and more specifically a muddy Asian fetish. This was confirmed when Google image search showed me the source of this non-Rebel Racer. The internet has mud fetish websites and the Rebel Race promoter has them all bookmarked.

The number two joke on the internet after every single humanity-crushing SomeEcard stating that you hate other people because they are stupid is you never ever want anyone to know what is on your internet search history. For this Rebel Race promoter I am curious if he’s a product of the Rebel Race Facebook page’s slutty muddy Asian fetish or if he brought the mud orgy with him from the start. I’d have my computer set on self-destruct for the chance anyone got close to my internet history if this is what they’d find.

 

 

 

Fire Men

 

I never took a journalism class, but I still take pride in my source researching skills… except for this image. I spent about 5 minutes finding out that there is no relevant link between firefighters and Rebel Race, just that the promoter wanted to get girls hot and humid about paying $50 to exercise. I don’t really know or care where this image originated. I spent one and a half minutes trying to find the source of these firemen. I hate and regret every single second of that time.

How to Survive the Megabus

Yesterday, a Megabus caught fire on I-85 in Georgia putting the lives of 80 passengers at risk. I hope you do not start thinking, “Oh how terrible for those poor people going through that ordeal.” Those passengers knew what they were getting into. Megabuses are double-decker capsules of horror where anything is possible.

Last trip I and everyone else on the bus had to listen to an illiterate 14 year-old mother tell her daughter grossly inaccurate geography facts like how all of Africa is a jungle. The time before that I was ready to start a fight with some jerk when he denied me the seat next to him because he was saving it for a buddy yet when the bus started moving there was no one next to him. He left for a new seat and I got the two seats to myself. On Megabus, only the crazy shall prevail, and I am like the Mad Hatter of this perfectly analogous Wonderland.

Find another seat.

This is the world that exists on a Megabus. I bet that Georgia bus fire was either God’s retribution or some pompous asshole thinking, ‘I don’t give a damn what that know-it-all warning says. If I’m on a bus for more than 2 hours, the bathroom becomes a smoking lounge.’

Despite all this, you can take a round trip to New York for $2.50. That’s worth risking insane people and engine explosions. Be safe, though.  Here’s how to survive a ride on the Megabus.

Don’t be a 90 pound girl.

As a 6’2”, 240lb man with a beard I am usually the last person to not have someone sitting next to me. Being a tiny , attractive girl likely has its advantages elsewhere, but not when you are hoping for privacy on the Megabus.

Life would be hell for Kate Upton on Megabus

Prepare for the Worst.

Your bus might leave 5 minutes early or 90 minutes late, Megabus likes to advertise that they have 110 volt outlets, but they are most likely all filled with gum ( likely sabotaged by the Megabus corporation to save on gas), and if the website you want to visit has more than 4kb of data, you will crash the on-bus WiFi. I’d wait until I got to Starbucks to check my email.

Read a book or play some Words with Friends on your phone.

Don’t Travel More than 300 Miles.

If you’re going from Washington, D.C. to Boston or Buffalo or Toronto, fly or take a train. If you can’t afford more than the cost of a Megabus ticket, I recommend you prostitute yourself to some gross, old men, because I assure you that if you take a 6 hour Megabus trip you will feel violated by multiple gross people.

Times six hours

Adhere to Seat Etiquette

• If you ever see a romantic film made where the couple first meets on a Megabus, those Salisbury film students either couldn’t afford Greyhound tickets nonetheless afford to make their dorm room look like an airplane aisle, or their biggest movie influence was “The Hills Have Eyes.”  Also that $1.06 at Redbox? You will never get that back.
• Don’t flirt with your seatmate. They obviously know you are one of those creepy people that uses Megabus. It should also scare you that this beautiful person is using Megabus. If she were to actually accept a date with you, it’s going to end with you applying skin lotion in her dungeon or being forced into a death match with the last scumbag that flirted with her on the Megabus.
  

  I really should have taken the train

• Outside of a medical emergency that arose 30 minutes into your travels, do not use the bathroom more than once every 90 minutes. Anyone who has used a Megabus bathroom knows there is no faucet to wash up in, just a Purell dispenser that ran out 3 trips ago.

             Bonus Advice– Have wet wipes and make it so your seatmate can notice you are using them.

• Try not to have a freakin’ full 5 course dinner on the bus. While 15 people are using all of their willpower to not succumb to motion sickness another 15 people are eating a full bucket of chicken each. I can understand that Megabus trips can last a long time, so a snack may be desired. Try to think of the other 79 passengers when you are deciding between the trail mix or the toasted head cheese and limburger sandwich.
• If someone else offers to share their Doritos/Beef Jerky/Starbursts, politely decline the offer. This is Megabus. Trust no one.

Useless Guy Giving Useful Information- Rocking Out!

My trip to Michigan is over and I successfully did everything on this list except for visiting the Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes. They were too busy. Thanks a lot, Good Morning America. It’ll take me like 2 years before I can go without breathing someone else’s air. Thankfully, Today on NBC didn’t say anything or else it would take me 5 years to visit comfortably. Face!

Instead I visited the other great natural treasure of Michigan, Alice Cooper. I had an awesome time.

Good times are not a guarantee at concerts, even ones with Alice Cooper and 1/4th of the original KISS lineup (Ace Frehly). Here are some tips on how to have a great time at a concert.

Don’t Blackout

I have yet to find any good reason ever to blackout (Real Talk: You keep blacking out because you hate yourself. When you blackout, I hate you too. Come to terms with yourself before you break another phone/coffee table/jaw.) The reason you go to a concert is to remember the experience of enjoying a beloved artist face to face and surrounded by thousands of people just as in love as you. Losing all memory and consciousness is a waste of money and dignity.

Skynard rules!

Don’t Bring Babies

Babies don’t like your music.

You are only allowed to bring little kids if they are dressed up like the artist you are seeing.

  

Dress the Part

 

 

The saddest group of fans of which I ever joined was the crowd in D.C. for David Bowie. It was like they were all showing up for an Eddie Bauer clearance sale, not to see this awesome weirdo:

When I saw 2 Live Crew, I looked like this:

When I saw the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra, I looked like this:

If I ever go see Lady Gaga, I will dress like this:

Never wear a t-shirt of the artist you are seeing, unless you are a dude going to see John Mayer. You are really lame no matter what.

Plan for the Worst

Have a hoodie, sunscreen, poncho, and a blanket ready. Maybe they take up the room of that 7th case of Busch Light you wanted to bring, but each of those items costs $75 at the concession stand.

Don’t Be a Stupid Hipster

I love Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. Even if you don’t know their name, you have heard their music on every commercial for the last 18 months (The latest is the NFL commercial where fans are riding around in customized ambulances to the song “Home”). Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros have a happy, folksy sound with a kickin’ horn section. I went to see them in DC, but they were parading as an alter ego, Alexander and Fam. The alter ego had a weird, depressing sound and did not optimize the use of their trumpeter. It’s the exact same lineup for Edward Sharpe, but they didn’t play a single hit and all these new songs were terrible even for being sad and weird music. Most crowds would not put up with this, but this was a hipster crowd and they were applauding this anti-fan perversion. “Oh this is so terrible no one else would even try to like this band! Yay for me not finding a creative way to be an individual!” If it weren’t for some mean girlfriend, my pal Bonesy would have been enough moral support for me to start yelling that this crap sucks and I want to hear 40 Day Dream, but it still probably wouldn’t be heard over 400 of the lamest hipsters cheering on the musical equivalent of feeding beautiful puppies to a shark. Screw hipsters.

How to enjoy your trip to the Michigan Heartland

It’s my birthday. That’s going on the résumés I’m sending out today.

Michigan is a wonderful land filled with rock bottom real estate bargains, four quality pro teams and mothertruckin’ Bob Seger. Most of my family lives there and I go from having a 67% proficiency in hockey in Maryland to a 27% proficiency in Michigan.

Here are some fun things to do when when you are in the Winter Water Wonderland:

Console a Lions Fan– Many people are getting really optimistic about the Lions having a great season this year. These people are simply setting us up for disappointment. Even before the Matt Millen era, the Lions had gone about 50 years without a playoff win. There are trailer park communities where 5 generations of a family have never seen a Detroit Lions team play in January. I suggest you go Goodwill Hunting style: It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault…

Dawn Donuts– Go here and get a blueberry donut. It is like angels gave birth to these donuts. They are the best donuts on the planet. Do Not Get a Nutty Donut!!! Do not trust anyone that suggests you get a nutty donut. They are day old plain donuts covered in crushed peanuts. The person asking you to get them is either playing a practical joke on you or wants that many more blueberry donuts for herself. You’re not punking me, Mom!

Visit some sand dunes– They are huge and when you climb to the top of them, you must roll down the entire 80 feet. If you are being a wuss, get your kids to do it. It will be hilarious. Then, make them chase the car as you pretend to drive away. Screw’em, that’s why.

Get an American Rental– It’s been about 30 years since most of GM made it exodus, but I wouldn’t choose the Hyundai at Detroit Metro Airport. Atleast don’t park right in front of the restaurant unless you like a subconscious fear factor.

Hang out with Kid Rock and Ted Nugent– They work at a car wash in Dearborn. They get off at 7:30.

Get beat up in Eminem’s old neighborhood– Just because my grandfather and Marshall made it out of 8 mile alive doesn’t mean you will.

He only made it 7.9 miles.

Steal a Joke from Mike Wallace– “There was a guy that failed out of University of Michigan. He enrolled at Ohio State the next year. The transfer improved the academic standing at both schools.”

Check Out J.K.Scrumpy’s in Flushing– No joke here. It’s just really good cider.

Visit the Big House in Ann Arbor– Go to the top row. Jump. You are now in space.

Take Some Ruin Porn– A trip through formerly industrial Michigan cannot be complete without photographing the wreckage. If that alone won’t satiate you, try planking in the ruins.

Go to Hell– It’s in Michigan and it is 75 minutes from Detroit.

Christmas Capitol of the World– Frankenmuth has the world’s largest Christmas store. You can then visit America’s largest Ramadan store in Dearborn, Michigan. For Hanukkah, you need to go to New York, but there is a ferry in Michigan to take you there.

What’s Big in Michigan? A burger. Go to Southgate and get the largest commercially available burger in the world.

Go to Hittsville, USA– The reason you were born was because Motown got your parents and your grandparents in the mood. The Motown Museum feels like home for everyone.